About 5 years ago one of my good friends was having a birthday party for her son, who was turning 4 at the time. She was a hot mama and she invited a bunch of his 4 year old playmates who also have hot single ‘Playmate’ mommas. I was actually nearby that night doing a Steamer appearance and thought, ‘hey, I ought to put on the costume and go into the party surprise the kids, and the hot mommas would love me for life’. 

 

It was night time because it was winter, so it was only about 6pm and I pulled around into the alley of where my hot friend lives. Now, keep in mind, I had only my parking lights on so as not to be detected by the hot momma’s club. I wanted to sneak up on them. Unfortunately, all of those town houses look the same from the back yard, especially searching from a narrow alley in pitch black. So, I was driving by very slow trying to figure out which house was hers. 

 

I had the top part of my green Steamer costume in the back seat, which consisted of the upper torso and the head. I was wearing the bottoms; furry green pants and big clown shoes. I looked like a centaur misfit. Usually I don’t wear the big shoes when I am driving, but I didn’t plan on being in my car for very long. I thought I had finally spotted her garage, so I quietly pulled up along side of it and began to shut the car off when all of the sudden, a flood of lights engulfed my car. I thought I was being abducted by aliens. 

 

No kidding, the entire alley way looked a bubble gum machine with all sorts of red and blue lights circling around and then when I heard the siren, I knew the cops were going to bust someone. I didn’t even see or hear the cop behind me. I stayed in my car, thinking 2 things; 1. ‘so much for trying to sneak up and surprise my friends’ and 2. ‘I had better stay in the car, cause this cop may be on a pursuit of someone in the alley’. I sat there for a couple of minutes, the siren stopped but the bubble gum lights were still circling all over the alley. Soon, the neighbor’s lights began to flick on.  Someone was in trouble, but I couldn’t see a thing.

                                                                                          

 

Then I nearly soiled my green furry britches. There were several knocks on the car window, and the cop telling me to roll my window down. I thought he was going to tell me to leave the area or sit still till he catches someone. Really, I had no idea he was after me. Then he says to me, “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I don’t like to play games with the law, and I knew it wasn’t for speeding, so I said, “no, officer.”

 

Then he takes his flashlight and looks into the backseat where Steamer’s head has been rolling around. Then he quickly comes up to my window again, and says half jokingly, “Did you kid nap, Steamer?” Well, I bite my bottom lip from laughing. “No, sir,” I chuckled, “I do Steamer”, I said quietly. He says, “What did you say?” I quickly tried correcting what I had just said, “Oh, no! That didn’t come out right.” Then I pointed down to my pants and said, “I’m in Steamer right now.” Oh my, the more I opened my mouth, the more I could taste my foot.

 

“Boy, you’d better do some explaining.” He says with a half smirk. So, now I don’t know how to take this guy. Then, putting all Freudian Slips aside, I explain that I am the sports mascot and I was coming to a kid’s birthday party for a friend of mine, and I had the bottom parts of the costume on because I was really close by playing an appearance. The cop just loved to see me struggle with words of explanation, because believe me, they didn’t come out as clearly as I have just written. 

 

I look up at him and smiled and said, “Hey, would you like me to autograph a baseball for you?” He said ‘that’s quite alright’ and then asked me why I haven’t answered his first question. “Do you know why I pulled you over?” I just shrugged. He said my back left turn signal was out and I was to get it fixed by early next week. “Have a nice night, Steamer” he says as he goes back to his bubble gum machine. As I breathed the sigh of relief, I yell out the window, “Go Curve!”

  STEAMER FROM THE ALTOONA CURVE

 

I finally get enough nerve to go up to my friend’s house and I couldn’t believe they didn’t hear any of the commotion. By this time, it’s 7pm and the kids had all fallen asleep. The moms were all impressed with me showing up by surprise, and they were going to wake the kids up, but I said let them sleep, I need to rest. And I sat down at the table, took my big Steamer head off and began to chug a beer. Feeling a bit like Krusty the Clown, I began to explain my comical misadventure. 

 

Before I can get two words out of my mouth, one of the kids must’ve heard me because this little girl came into the kitchen and saw a headless Steamer sitting at a table talking with a bunch of mommies. Everyone at the table, including the kid, freezes. There is an awkward silence, and you could hear a train whistle in the background. The child did not move a muscle. She must’ve gone into shock, and her blank expression still haunts me today.

 

So, I carefully grab my head, put it back on and tip toe easily out what I thought was the door, only to have walked into a storage closet. After I realized where I was, I said to myself, could this messed up night get any worse? I begin to take my costume off and decide to sit still till someone tells me the coast was clear. Plus, I didn’t want to come out of the closet in front of all those mothers.